A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.
Tim Ferriss
How good can a vacation be? We plan and anticipate a vacation and yet it never lives up to its billing. It’s never as great as we anticipate. Why is that? We imagine and fantasize how great its going to be. One of the questions that always puzzles me is if vacations are so great why does it feel so good to come home. I can picture the joys of a vacation so vividly in my mind that I fail to notice that it is absolute fiction, all made up, and doesn’t exist anywhere except in my mind. Then I get attached to that illusion. In my mind it’s real. I go over the dream, fill in and embellish the details. We’ll go there, we will do this, I will say that, she will say this and we will be so happy together. We will sleep in, have a couple of cups of coffee, find a restaurant, have an enjoyable leisurely breakfast, do a little sightseeing, return to the hotel, read for a bit and then go out to dinner. Ah – the perfect day. We will have so much fun. I don’t need to tell her because I assume she is sharing my fantasy. However she has been doing the same thing except in her version, we will get up at the crack of dawn to get an early start and we will spend 6 hours in the museum and then visit 4 churches. And we will end the perfect day by doing a little shopping. We are going to have such fun together.
We forget reality and slip into this parallel mythical non existent universe of how things should be. Real life appears to be an annoying, unfair interruption and intrusion into how life should be. In life as it should be, I get what I want, do what I want, the wife is always accommodating, things are easy, traffic lights are always green, traffics flows smoothly (no road work), people are polite and helpful, what I want to buy is on sale, things never break, the car always starts and my loved ones are always happy, adore me, understand me and appreciate what a great guy I am.
How do I know that’s how life should be? It’s so obvious. I see it. When something goes wrong I can see how it should have been. How do I know I believe that is how life should be? I can tell by how upset I am when life isn’t that way.
It seems that this confusing of fantasy with reality plays over and over in life. You say something funny and nobody laughs. Why don’t they get it? You have a bad day and share it with your friend or loved one and he doesn’t feel your pain. Why is everyone so insensitive? You are going to patch up the differences with your former best friend and mend the relationship. He doesn’t see your point of view and nothing really changes. We think these are exceptions to life, but this is reality. This is life. This is your life. No amount of hurt feelings, indignation, pouting, revenge fantasies will alter that fact. We either accept life with it’s imperfections and minimize the unnecessary suffering or we resist, battle and maintain that it should be different and perpetuate needless suffering. You have to be careful what you practice. If you practice fantasizing, you will continue to set yourself up to be disappointed, if you accept reality and get beyond your conditioning of believing how things should be and accept things as they are, life become less of a struggle and more of an enjoyable adventure. Clinging to illusions and experiencing unfulfilled expectations generates pain and disappointment. It’s a great way to make yourself miserable. So how does this insight apply to travel and vacations. Vacations are expensive and can be trying on even the best of relationships As you get older traveling is a lot of work. Why travel? I think life is lived best when you do new things. I am always surprised by the highlights of my vacation. They are never what I anticipate, but the lasting fond memories that remain further justify the effort required to travel. It’s comforting to know that you are making the effort to live life fully and not living with the uneasy, unenjoyable feeling that you never really tried. Deep down inside of us, we all know that we are responsible for our lives And if we do nothing with our lives, we know who to blame.
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
If I’m going somewhere new as in the first time I was able to go to St Andrews, it far exceeded my expectations. It was my first trip across the pond and I had a blast. Soon after, I was able to go to Monte Carlo and Geneva, Switzerland; I absolutely had a blast there too. It might have helped both trips were paid for by someone else, but it was a great adventure for me.
However, some of the local trips to the beach don’t create quite the same level of wonderment or excitement. Also, you think well maybe I’ll just get a beach house and live here all the time. I think once your surroundings become routine you might not appreciate it as much.
Vacations are fantasy to a certain degree but I think your mindset and expectations help decide the ultimate enjoyment.
Good to see you Riley.
Bill Dorman recently posted..Do you have a defining moment
Bill,
You positive extroverts always have a leg up on us overthinking introverts when it comes to enjoying vacations. I’m going to Switzerland this fall (basically I want to see how their culture varies from other European countries and also a country that manages to stay out of world wars intrigues me). Anything special you would recommend while I’m there.
Riley
In Switzerland I enjoyed the wine, the chocolate, the fondue and the wine……….:). We were in Geneva and probably typical for a big European city but enjoyed the outdoor cafe’s.
Have fun and hope you have a great time.
This post is SO timely with the upcoming holiday weekend! Thank you for sharing your insight and reminder to stay in the present moment. I love your honest musings on the fact that every one predicts that vacations will be beautiful…and yet we fool ourselves into thinking each new vacation will provide a new opportunity for perfection.
Hi Jen,
I’m currently in New York city with Kathy and I’m afraid I again fell into that trap of different expectations. However it’s hard not to have a blast while in the big apple.
Riley
At this point in my life, if everyone comes back alive – and better yet, with nothing broken – I consider it a rousing success. That must partly be because I was So Old when I had children, I was flat too tired to worry about much more! If I am still alive, well and kicking and able to travel with my husband once my kids are up and out, I will remember what you said and not revert to expectations of my youth, when I used to imagine the details unfolding in a particular way (and of course, they never did). The journey is all.
Julie | A Clear Sign recently posted..My Reading With A Psychic Medium
Riley
It amazing how survival becomes a concern (even on vacations) as one ages. Thanks for stopping by
Riley
Hi Riley,
Another fantastic post from the master-of-stirring-things-up!
You don’t allow to relax:) But seriously, there is a constant struggle between our expectations and reality. Disappointment is constant. But yet all the great human works were built based on imagination. And tireless tweaking until the reality matched the expectations. Being content is good, frustration is good as well. Who knows?
Maybe we should ask somebody smarter than us? Does she even exist?
Greetings,
Derek
Derek Potocki @SmartGoals recently posted..Be Careful
Hi Derek,
“Does she even exist?” Who are you trying to please, is there a new woman in your life LOL? By the way I owe you an email (sources of incomes), I haven’t forgotten.
Riley
Hi Riley,
I have always believed in seeing your goals but I try not to overhype myself on the details.
My life will be awesome and I will love it, no doubt about that.
But when going on a trip I won’t plan out every detail or think to much about it, that way it will be a pleasant surprise instead of a dissapointment.
Same in life, sure I know where I am going to end up, but I do leave some things to the future, that way they will be pleasant surprises
Daniel M. Wood recently posted..Motivational Tip 10 – Reward Yourself for all Results Program Yourself for Success
Daniel,
If your life is going to be awesome, obviously you are on the right path. And I’m confident that you will continue to have a great life.
Riley
Regarding the conversation quote:
The number of conversations would be proportional to his willingness to accept his failures and this would definitely make him better with passage of time, he being able to learn new things and implementing them.
Anthony@chicken coops recently posted..Making a DIY Chicken Coop – How Big
Hi Anthony,
That’s a good insight. Also I’m not sure you are on the right path, if you have nothing but uncomfortable conversations.
Riley
Hi Riley,
I am currently into this kind of situation. My life right now is all about work and sleep. So I am craving for an island getaway but my bf is not. I want to go out and get away from work even just for a while and my boyfriend’s greatest suggestion is go malling ( which we always do whether we’re busy or not). It makes me want to hate him for this sometimes. I’m thinking maybe because he’s a man and he can still do everything he wants even when he’s 30is or older. But for women, that age level would be more on parenting I guess or bigger responsibilities. So I want to enjoy my life as single and young right now…
Regards
Hi Calli,
Well I know what my wife would do, she would go on vacation and leave me home. We have had vacations where I’ve stayed for a week and Kathy remained for two weeks. And actually I love her for that, it’s very healthy.
Riley
Good for you both. For us, he would also allow me to go with my friends so I’m good with that. At least we still have our freedom.
I love this bit of writing: “Real life appears to be an annoying, unfair interruption and intrusion into how life should be.” Just brilliant. Too many folks blindly accept this as their fate. Vacations are great, but if we don’t clean up our inner world we are simply shlepping around the same sad-sack beliefs to a new location. Over the past decade I have made it a habit to awaken to the axle thought: Acknowledge and celebrate your new axel thought: I am marvelously made and destined to win
at whatever I set my mind to…” I can carry this with me whether I am on vacation or waking up on Monday.
Well bless you Rob, I love you writing about my writing. Hope all is going well for you. And thanks for the added words of wisdom
Riley
I see this all the time. We see what we’re looking for… If we expect people to be critical, we interpret whatever they say or do as being critical. It’s all just perception. I use a lot of mindfulness techniques to check in and see if I’m experiencing reality or just my perception of it.
(I really like the Tim Ferriss quote. His name keeps coming up all over the place for me lately, I guess that means I need to check out what he has to say)
Katie Goode @Be Extraordinary Today recently posted..How They Did It
Hi Katie,
In your line of work (personal coach), I bet you do see a lot concerning expectations and perceptions. Reality is the name of the name.
Riley
Riley,
Awesome points here. I have a vivid imagination which is way more exciting than real life. You are right about how what we imagine and reality are two different things completely.
Traveling is fun but it is taxing as well.
Justin@Mazzastick recently posted..Do You Have Difficulty Charging Money For Your Services
Justin,
“Traveling is fun but it is taxing as well.” says it all for me (and very succinctly)
Riley
For me returning home from vacation is a let down, a reality shock, and so I always go to my comfort cafe right away. I don’t return on a work night: I need a day to be “bored” first. Come to think of it, I long ago got into the habit of having alone time at a donut shop before work, regardless of which shift I am working. Yes, I’m an introvert.
The fantasy I am relinquishing is that of being up half the night in my hotel from excitement, which only happens if I am reading a good book or having new insights, which isn’t something I can control. Also, these days I normally go to work early to hit the donut shop: Even on holidays my body wants to sleep and get up early.
My “getting unstuck project” is to have less puritan guilty thinking “I really should be” at home being useful.
sean crawford recently posted..Japanese Anime Cartoons
Hello Sean,
I have several behavioral issues to work on but I’ve never had to deal with excessive guilt feelings. The notion of being useful seems to generate its fair share of guilt. I guess I’m much too selfish to be concerned about being useful.
Riley
Hi Riley,
Very nice job! It is crucial that we fantasize and visualize our future and what we want to achieve. However, we always should leave it to God and he will make it happen. I have personally used visualizion many times and it made a huge positive difference in my life. We have to see it in our minds before we live it. The key is to create harmony with whatever we want to achieve. Thanks for sharing
Dia recently posted..Natural anxiety cures
Dia,
Visualization exercises are so powerful. Meditation also works wonders. That being said, I wonder why it’s so hard (at least for me) to make these wonderful processes permanently part of my daily routine. Hope you have better success at this than I do.
Riley
I was just thinking exactly the same thing! Self-discipline is a real problem for me!
Rob
Self-discipline is a big one for me too. I’m married to a very disciplined person and that really highlights my shortcomings in that area.
Riley
“Expectations are disappointments planned out in advance.” I read this in a novel, but I can’t remember where now. We plan and get excited, but if we can not get so attached to the outcome, we can be happily surprised by variations on our plan.
On another point, your emphasis on our personal responsibility is so timely now. I had a long heart to heart talk with one of my kids yesterday about just this topic. Well said!
Galen Pearl recently posted..Three Kinds of Kindness
Hi Galen,
“Expectations are disappointments planned out in advance.” That was such a great quote I had to find the source. This is what I came up with:
Elizabeth George: ‘Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments, planned out in advance.’
Riley
Yes, that’s it! Good research, especially since I didn’t quote it correctly!!
Galen Pearl recently posted..Three Kinds of Kindness
You have hit on the biggest reason that vacations need to be planned TOGETHER if you’re going as a couple. In that way, each partner can voice what they want and compromise can be reached. I’ve had a few amazing vacations. But vacations are rarely the relaxing experiences we want them to be especially if you’re taking kids along. LOL Yet we do it year after year. Someday a vacation will be just that: a vacation and time of rest and relaxation rather than running here and there to tour places.
Marcus@Laser printer reviews recently posted..Canon L170 Laser Fax Printer Review
Hi Marcus,
I guess the realization I’ve come to is that life isn’t always easy and vacations are part of life so why expect vacations to be without their own set of challenges.
Riley
It all about realistic expectations.
Jack @ TheJackB recently posted..She Was Wrong
Hello Jack,
Yes but unrealistic expectations are so much fun until the bubble (reality) pops. LOL,
Riley
i always enjoy reading your posts riley, i love to travel but i become home sick after a week and i feel like wanting to go back
Hi farouk,
It’s seems like the grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence syndrome for me. Can’t wait to get away and when away can’t wait to get home (especially towards the end of the vacation)
Riley
Hi Mr. Riley!
Just last night I got back from an 8 day vacation with my family. We enjoyed our time together at Disney World! It was certainly one of those vacations that created lasting memories, worth every dime spent. It was such a great time – but yes I was happy to make it home!
Why? Because I love my life. My everyday life is a dream to me. I feel extremely blessed every morning when I awake, because I know that there’s a person my exact age who wasn’t so lucky to wake up from their sleep. And, to top it off, I love the day to day interaction no matter where I am with my wife and kids. I honestly feel like the luckiest guy int he world – no matter where I am.
There were points in my life when I didn’t know if I’d make it to 18. Then 21. Now, I’m living the type of life I had always dreamed of as a kid. I’m able to do things for my family that I fantasized about when watching TV as a young kid. This trip that I just took to Disney World was always a dream of mine – and I was able to make it happen for my kids, with many other vacations to follow (God willing).
Great post Riley. Made me think about my appreciations of life!
Jk Allen recently posted..These are the Tales- When the Smoke Clears
Hi JK,
It sounds like you had a wonderful time; it’s always great to share and be with your loved ones. You have a fantastic attitude about gratitude which is one of the keys to happiness. With your attitude and hard work you are going to do some great things. Always a high to read your positive comments.
Wish you the best.
Riley
Riley,
I loved this! I can definitely relate with what you said about the highlights of travel being different than what I imagined. I’m reminded of two fond memories.
In my month-long trip to Germany 2 years ago with two of my cousins, we couldn’t get into our reserved hostel room (in Denmark actually) because their electronic system was malfunctioning. We ended up getting into the kitchen room and making spaghetti and had a blast. It was somewhat miserable after a day-long train trip to get to Denmark from Germany, but that memory is very special for some reason.
Another fond memory was in Stuttgart with my best friend. We had a crazy day in which he gave a pretty girl some flowers as a random kind gesture. We also met a woman on the train and had dinner with her. That night when we were trying to get home, there were some serious train delays and we didn’t get back until 4-5 AM. We were so tired from the day’s activities that while we waited for the train, everything was hilarious. We were losing our minds from lack of sleep.
Those memories seem ridiculous, but they will always be very special to me. Those things seem to happen a lot with travel.
Stephen Guise @ Deep Thinking recently posted..How To Criticize Others Without Ruining Everything Pt II
Hey Stephen,
Kathy and I are currently on vacation and the number of special moments that we have experienced is incredible. The spontaneous striking-up-conversations-with-strangers experience that leads to unanticipated connection/closeness and all the good stuff that emanates from that is a real high for me.
Riley
Hi Riley. My vacations/holidays are the opposite! I leave any planning until the last possible moment and then I’m pleasantly surprised at how great the holiday is, because I had no prior expectations!
Sounds like you & your wife just need to build compromise in at the planning stage, rather than running away with idealised fantasies.
Being willing to let go of our absolutist demands about how life should/must be – it’s a cornerstone of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy. Have you come across it?
Hi Rob,
Actually we have fantastic vacations but it just different people different expectations.
Riley
Great awakening post Riley! I, too, am guilty with this. It seems that fantasizing has been our way of getting out of the reality. As you say, reality isn’t that good as we want it to be. But somehow fantasizing can really be disappointing because the truth is we can’t escape reality no matter how good we fantasize. The lesson here is to face reality, make every circumstance contribute to your growth (all aspects in life), and that would turn reality into what you want it to be.
Don’t understand vacations. This unchangeable fact has put a lot of pressure on my marriage.
It’s like dressdown friday to me – or someone telling you when its time to laugh.
Just don’t get it.