REJECTION DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A SHOW STOPPER

A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.

Bo Bennett

Nobody likes to be rejected. On the other hand, nobody ever died from rejection. What needs to be learned and constantly remembered is that you are a worthwhile person, no matter how other people react to you. You must remember that. Their behavior says more about them than you. If you are put down or treated in an inconsiderate way, try not to take it personally. It’s a way of life for them. Judgmental people judge and rude people are rude. They treated people poorly before they met you, and future encounters will suffer the same fate.

Rejection is never fun but it’s not life threatening, and it can be handled in ways that minimize the pain. Don’t internalize the experience and suffer silently in shame and pain. It’s OK to talk and bitch about it for a while. Sharing the experience trivializes the incident and puts it into proper perspective. Don’t participate in self-blaming or faulty thinking, like “I really must be a loser to be treated that way,” or “I must have done something really wrong or stupid.”

Learn to handle rejection like a salesman: “Every no brings me closer to a yes.” It’s beneficial, if you can forgive the other’s rudeness or lack of social skills. Above all never take it personally. It’s normal and healthy to be disappointed or irritated; it’s unhealthy and neurotic to be devastated and crushed.

The best hitters in baseball fail nearly 70% of the time; the best teams in baseball lose between forty and sixty games during a season. The reality of life is that no matter how much power, money or influence you have, you win some and you lose some. When you are emotionally attached to outcomes that you have no control or limited influence over, you become an emotional yo-yo: he says no and you are crushed; he says yes and you are over the moon with joy.

A lot of unnecessary pain and suffering can be linked to expectations. No expectations, no unnecessary suffering. Rejection doesn’t mean you are inherently flawed; it’s just part of life. The way to double your rate of success is to double your rate of failure.

Failure and rejection might trigger the feeling that you aren’t worthy of success, but a more empowering belief is that it means you are inexperienced and lessons always abound even in unpleasant failure. Fears are often internalized and the premises never tested. Persistence and experimentation are what’s required.

Some fear that they will be put down in some way. They have been conditioned to be overly sensitive and to “mind read” others’ intentions and to misinterpret their actions. This fear will cause them to shut down and stay on the sidelines and not participate in life. Of course, sometimes some people will be insensitive and say something hurtful or inappropriate. Always remember, it says more about their character than it does about yours. Life consists of pleasant encounters and, unfortunately, some unpleasant encounters, and you have to accept that reality and not let it restrict your life. The real danger of this fear is when you begin to project the possibility of being put down onto all possible encounters. When you are no longer willing to engage with strangers and new circumstances, you condemn yourself to an unsuccessful pattern of existence that doesn’t bring you want you want. All fears have a common denominator. They can all be boiled down to a single fear. We fear that we can’t handle the outcome or the result of our actions. When you begin to understand that you can, fear no longer controls you. When you understand you can handle anything that comes your way, what would you have to fear? Remember all those crises in the past (divorce, breaking up with your girlfriend, totaling your car, being laid off from work the week before Christmas or falling on the ice and breaking your arm) that you survived. None were showstoppers and the sun did come up the next day. It might not have been pleasant but you have survived all previous outcomes, and you will survive all future outcomes in life. When you feel excessive fear, you have forgotten that you have incredible coping skills and can handle anything that comes up in the future.

Here are some strategies to help you manage your fears more effectively:

ACCOUNTABILITY

• Build some accountability into your life. We are poor at holding ourselves accountable. When you turn the reins of accountability over to someone else, it feels psychologically binding and there is a higher probability that you will do what’s needed to be done.

CHANGE YOUR FOCUS

• When we feeling unsure about ourselves, we focus on obstacles, problems and personal shortcomings (imaginary or otherwise) and lose touch with reality. We develop an unbalanced and a distorted perspective that hinders us from seeing the possibilities and opportunities available to us. To regain a healthier and positive outlook, relive your past victories and successes. The re-experiencing of past successes can be used to create confidence.

START SMALL AND GO SLOW

• Sometimes we set goals or have expectations that overwhelm and intimidate. How about scaling back those ambitious fantasies and just start with smaller expectations. Accept that you are learning how to step out of your comfort zone, how to deal with fear and use conversational skills that make it possible to talk easily and comfortably with strangers. As you master what you need to master, success will come your way. Starting small and progressing towards your goals is much more effective than setting unrealistic, overly-ambitious goals that intimidate and create feelings of hopelessness. Impossible goals encourage you to fantasize and never begin. Nothing will happen until action is taken.

Once you learn to identify and manage your fears, you will be unstoppable.